Public Washroom

I actually had an absolutely terrifying encounter the other day. This story could trigger anxiety in other emetophobes if you are sensitive so be warned!

So now that summer is coming to an end, the time came for my parents to drive me back to the city where I go to university to move out of my old apartment and into my new one (which is absolutely stunning by the way!)

My dad’s brother and his family live where I go to school so on Saturday after we arrived and moved some stuff into the new apartment, we went to stay at their house for the night before finishing to move me in the next day. We got to my aunt and uncle’s house and decided to go out for dinner because we were starving from our 5 hour drive. I was really in the mood for Italian and my aunt knew just the place to go.

Although I was starving, I know that when I don’t eat for a while when I’m hungry my stomach kind of shrinks and I eat way less than I expect myself to, so my mom and I decided to share a salad and a main course. We got fettuccine with tomato cream sauce and smoked salmon.

My aunt wasn’t that hungry so she didn’t order a meal because she knew we all wouldn’t finish our meals and she could nibble off everyone’s plates. I was loving my pasta but even my half-portion was pretty big and I couldn’t finish it so I offered her some. She politely declined and said that she had once gotten food poisoning from that exact dish at a different restaurant and she could never eat it since then because she was so incredibly sick.

(just to let you know that bad part is coming later and has nothing to do with this!)

As soon as she mentioned the words “food poisoning” my stomach flipped and dropped. I had totally forgotten about that possibility and the prospect of getting food poisoning made me totally lose my appetite. I immediately started thinking about fish and how maybe I shouldn’t eat it just in case because food poisoning seems to be prominent in fish dishes (I also remembered that a guy at my summer job got food poisoning from fish not too long ago after a fishing trip and had to miss work).

So while all this is going on in my mind my IBS kicked in and I had to go to the washroom – I won’t give any  unnecessary details but my digestive system works pretty quickly. I was sitting on the toilet when two girls walk in; one goes to the washroom and, as usual, I look under the wall between the stalls to check the direction of her shoes. if they’re are facing forward that means she will sit on the toilet, while if they are facing the toilet, well, you know what that could mean. Luckily she sat down and started to pee.

When she flushed and walked to the sink to wash her hands, her friend, who was waiting for her by the sink mentioned something about not feeling too well. I panicked and I was so grateful when they both finally walked out the door. I was in the first stall right next to the sink so that’s how I could hear everything (and also it was a very small bathroom with only 2 or 3 stalls).

About 30 seconds after the girls left and I breathed a sigh of relief, the door to the bathroom flung open and before I could even cover my ears I hear someone throw up in the sink – I could tell it was a little kid. I of course immediately started to have a panic attack; I looked down and was confused to see only one pair of shoes on the floor – white sparkly flip flops that definitely did not belong to a kid. I realized soon enough that it was probably because a mom was holding up her kid over the sink. I shoved my fingers as far into my ears as I could as my heart was practically beating out of my chest. I was looking at the floor, waiting to see a second pair of shoes, or at least to see the flip flops make their way out of the bathroom so I would know that it was safe, but no such thing happened. I unblocked my ears for a second but I definitely shouldn’t have and heard things that increased my anxiety several times over. I waited and waited for a few minutes but I knew I couldn’t stay in there forever.

I eventually unplugged my ears again to hear a little high-pitched voice say cheerfully, “I knew I was going to puke,” and the mother responded, “you ate too fast didn’t you?”

Hearing that eased my mind a little bit because at least I knew that she most likely wasn’t going to throw up again. This was enough for me to try to run out of the bathroom as fast as I could… but I knew I would have to take my fingers out of my ears to do so. I wasn’t ready for that due to my level of anxiety, so with my fingers still in my ears I tried to rip off some toilet paper with both my elbows and quickly shoved small pieces in my ears. Thinking back this sounds absolutely ridiculous and I’m pretty embarrassed to write that I did that but may as well be as truthful as possible. Once I was decent (i.e., pants not around my ankles), I took the toiler paper out of my ears because I definitely didn’t want to be seen in public like that and ran out of the stall. A little girl in a pink shirt sat on the counter  while her mother cleaned up the mess in the sink with paper towels and water. The mother looked at me and smiled. I smiled back and felt like I should say something back but instead just ran out and back to the table where I told my mom what had happened, shaking.

My mom is so amazing when it comes to my phobia; she completely understands and never makes me feel guilty or stupid for reacting the way I do. “I can feel your heart beating through your back Marlee, Oh my god,” my mom said as she rubbed my back, trying to calm me. Yea, I know, that’s what happens. My body gets all shaky and you can see my hand shaking pretty obviously. I had run out of my Excel Polar Ice gum; my gum is my clutch when it comes to my phobia and I needed some to ease my anxiety and my nausea. Oh yea, ironic, the anxiety caused by someone else throwing up makes me nauseous, which makes me more anxious, etcetera, etcetera. It’s a vicious cycle. So basically it takes a LOT of gum and a lot of time for me to feel totally fine after an experience like that.

I just wanted to go to bed. I went back to my aunt and uncle’s house to stay the night with my parents and woke up twice in the night because I kept dreaming of people throwing up. I just can’t escape it.

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~ by marlee on September 2, 2009.